Green Eyed Chaos

Welcome To Everything...

2012-02-06T07:46:00.000-08:00

OooOOOhhHH vanity

I really like this picture for some reason. One of those pictures that I'm sure was meant to be deleted but obviously wasn't.

lol.

It's been a funny year. 2 deaths, 1 future alterating decision, 1 heart attack, 2 car accidents, and 1 homeless weekend made me feel like a very unlucky girl.

16 Citaloprams later, and I'm beginning to grasp the understanding that I'm one of the lucky ones.

Very, very lucky.

It's all okay. It always was.

I like this picture too. There's no way this was meant to be deleted.

THINGS

2011-11-25T13:14:00.000-08:00

I like my scented candles from IKEA

I like when I've just straightened my hair, and it keeps my neck warm.

I like getting paid

I like watching films before falling asleep

I like being in the art room and having the music so loud I can actually feel it.

I like vodka and coke

I like doing nothing with people that I like. Together.

But I don't like this time of year much. I get cold.

Eighteen

2011-10-28T07:37:00.001-07:00

22nd October

I liked being seventeen, Maybe I'll like being eighteen just as much. It's been good so far.

I've just generally liked this year. Everything from this day last year to today has been wonderful. I'm a lucky girl.
I'm dying for someone to ask me for ID, it's surprisingly frustrating to get served without a problem this week. So far I've only been asked once, in Tesco. It was so fab.

Of all the pictures of the three of us I could have uploaded I chose this one.
Partly because it was from the night of my 18th, so it's somewhat relevant.
but mainly because Beanie's face had us laughing for literally hours. Until, I swear, Chloe was going to vomit.
I love these girls.
Thanks for making everything brilliant xxx

Personal Statement.

2011-09-22T13:05:00.000-07:00

I quite like media. I think media is good. In my opinion, media is worth doing.
I haven't really found a specific thing that I can do well yet, and so far, media hasn't let me down too much, so I guess I'm stuck with that as an option.
I'm okay as a person, to be fair. My mum says that I could be quite successful if I put my mind to something and worked hard on it. I've yet to test the theory, to be honest, but my mum is usually quite spot on about things.
I watch telly differently to how I used to. I think that's because I take media, so I know things. I still enjoy it though.
I love films. I love it. I don't have a favourite film though, I hope that's not a problem.
No, I do actually; 500 Days of Summer. Nothing poncey, but it is quite good.
It's not just films though, I do understand that there's more to media than that, like books and the internet and music too, I suppose, but let's be honest, film is better than all that other stuff. It's more interesting. Well, that's my opinion anyway.

Hold My Hand

2011-08-20T06:30:00.000-07:00

I wrote this a while ago, I like finding old note books :)

Some things make me think of you... Everything, these days, seems to make me think of you. I can tell that you're a waste of time, but there's nothing else I'd rather waste my time on.
I don't know whether you still feel the same, or if you ever did, I don't know if this will ever progress or whether the last time I spoke to you will be the last time I ever speak to you.
What I do know is that I didn't sleep last night for thinking of you, whenever I hear a song it reminds me of you, and sometimes I go quiet and disengage myself from conversation so I can think of you.
So there it is, I'm yours, regardless of whether or not you want me.

Passing the time...

2011-07-10T08:25:00.000-07:00

We were dressed as cowboy(/girls?)last night.

I lost the cowboy hat. Which just happens to be my father's baby, so now I'm the worst person in the world.
I steadily became a drunken mess, which would have been nice to avoid, but alas, I'm a bell end.
Last to sober up, last to fall asleep, first to wake up.
So now I'm lying on the living room floor for three hours feeling like death until the two heavy weights that took me home and passed out on the sofa wake up... So we can go back and look for the fucking hat.

Bitch and Moan

2011-06-26T11:43:00.001-07:00

What would be really nice...

Is if I had unlimited amounts of money,
and time to spend it in, I could do with some of that.

If I was effortlessly beautiful... Those girls have all the luck.

If I could paint for a living.

If I had one set of clothes that no one would remember me wearing, and never went out of fashion.
...(though I would probably still shop for more.)

If I could be this age forever... However, one more birthday would help.

If it was Summer all year long.

If absolutely no one was moving a million miles away next year.

If I didn't have to worry about whether or not I'll be able to move a million miles away...

If the films I paid to see were actually worth it.

... All of that would be superb.
But life's pretty awesome as it is anyway :D

22nd May 2009.

2011-05-22T12:21:00.000-07:00

I waited for months and months in the most depressing countdown of my young life.
I don't even know what for, it didn't change much.
You'd technically already gone forever a good while before.
I remembered a lot of dates.

8th December
26th January
2nd February
27th March
3rd April
22nd April

but the 22nd May was the most important.
It sucked.

I wish I could go back in time, find myself crying my eyes out over this stupid boy, and tell myself to chill the fuck out.

Really, he's not that special. He's actually a bit of a bell end.

Two years from now you'll laugh at yourself, and I mean really, a pitying, patronising giggle.

'Cause it'll take a while, obviously, but you'll get over this. You really will. You'll stop keeping notes of dates and actually enjoy life.

So chin up, and whatever you do, however low you may feel...
Please, don't dye your hair red.

Sincerely, you, exactly two years later xxx

2011-04-27T11:47:00.000-07:00

In no way whatsoever am I:

- More talented
- More successful
- Prettier
- Smarter
- Or better

than I was two years ago.
But I feel a fuck load better about being this way.

(Just realised that I have a long time to fuck around doing nothing after my alarmingly close exams. Goodbye internet, until then xx)

TwentySecond

2011-03-27T03:42:00.000-07:00

When I started all this, I used to think that the most true, and honest way of showing love was pages and pages of cryptic messages. As long as they were written well, and included a shit load of adjectives and adverbs.
Now I know and understand how much simpler it can be.
Because I loved you. I really did, but I was so inexperienced and immature that I constantly battled turmoil about how to handle it. It was momentarily satisfying to write ten pages in my diary to you, and a hundred million love poems in a hundred thousand note books. but to be honest, reading through that letter that I wrote for you before you left, and failed to give to you really opened my eyes.
The long winded, eloquent letter was nice to read, and it did give me a small flutter in my stomach to rehash all those thoughts I had for you, but absolutely none of it even came close to the overwhelming awe I felt when I read the way I signed off that long, heartfelt message.

I love you, Kiz xx

I couldn't have thought much about it as I was writing it, but reading it did make me think. My life and enjoyment has been ruined by my own realisation. Poetry only exists in the physical embodiment of you.
So no more rhyming words and metaphors, because this is more than enough.

I love you, Harry Bright xxx

Every Morning at 7pm

2011-03-22T12:49:00.000-07:00

You're sucking the youth out of me.

Man up, and allow me to fuck up, and make the mistakes you've already made.

Most of the time, it's as easy as breath, and you're my perfect rival, our personalities are so compatible that all these differences are irrelevant.

Then it gets tricky, and you make me feel inferior just because you've had a few more birthdays than I have.

Which is ridiculous, because I swear to God you act about eighteen some times.

Stop making me wish my life away. I'm only going to be seventeen once. Let me enjoy it.

(but I still love you, broseph) xx

Boy, you're the one... got me choking on my bubble gum...

For Alex...

2011-02-28T11:49:00.000-08:00

... because this is the first time I've worn lipstick in about 11 years... and it's yours HAHA :)

I took this while I was cleaning out my room, because I leave for Paris on Friday, and then it's a new room altogether :D

Strange, because I know it looks tacky and cheap, but everything on those walls is my own modification, that pink wall was covered in pictures, notes, text from some of my happiest moments.

my cork-board, posters, the post-it notes, I even painted the room myself.

GOODBYE AWESOME BEDROOM :)

.. I don't care what they say, I always thought you were beautiful xx

Sunday, You bastard.

2011-02-22T05:41:00.000-08:00

(another quote from my old diary that feels relevant this week.)

23.05.09
I don't know what to do to stop it hurting
I don't know what to do to make it better
I don't know what to think about to take my mind off it...
... but I'm pretty sure I'm doing all the wrong things...
'cause it won't stop hurting
it keeps getting worse
and I can't stop thinking about it.

Don't you love it when you have a bad few days, and you regress back to being 11 years old, and these cheesy cliches actually sound ridiculously profound?

felt like venting some feelings. Tell everyone you love them before they die, kay?
LOVE xx

Oh hey, didn't see you there...

2011-02-04T15:51:00.000-08:00

So I think it's time we had a talk.

This is my first actual blog since being back in England, I've started a couple, but then never finished them, and then deleted them when it came to attempting a new one.
It seems like the two blogs I posted while out there were almost trying to sum up the whole experience in just a couple of paragraphs.
This is impossible. Silly me.
But I will say this:
The best thing I've ever done.
and that's it.

I had skittles yesterday,
thought you should know...

A Present For Everyone

2011-01-20T11:27:00.000-08:00

This is what it looks like when everything works out for me

"Have you met Kizzy?"

2010-12-27T04:08:00.001-08:00

This time, I didn't copy and paste from Google.
I actually went here, and took these pictures myself...

If I wasn't thinking so much, this blog would simply be pages and pages of Snow Patrol lyrics.
It's funny, really, how at times, you can shuffle through the familiar songs on your iPod with little thought.
and then, suddenly something happens and you drown in the profoundness of each sound, and every word.

I have found and learnt an awful lot this month. it's been a little hectic, I find myself frequently feeling overwhelmed with exhaustion. We've done a lot.
What's strange, is that the strangest part of all this, to me, is the variation of accents. The Aussies all sound the same, no matter where in this country you go, and yet, all the people that have come here from the UK sound as though they're on either side of the world to one another.
London
Manchester
Scottish
Irish.
..and yet everywhere that we've been, and all the people we've met, sound as though they've grown up together.
The accent is deffinitely something I'll take away with me, as well as everything else.
The warmth on Christmas eve.
The aroma of Mosquito repellent.
The taste of the same wine every night.
The sound of the Koala's mating, in the middle of the night.
The sight of the Gum trees and Lorikeets from the deck.
Your laugh...
Oh, and the toy Koala that E gave me :) I've named her Adelaide. She's a beaut.

In December 2008, I got a tattoo.
... in December 2010, you lasered it off.

This feeling that I've had this month is exactly what I've been waiting for for two years. Who would have thought that all I had to do was travel to the other side of the planet, to remove my "tattoo"?

This week, I laugh at all my poems in pity.
That girl was heartbroken.
Bless her.

Whoever Chris is, he must be a complete idiot..

2010-12-23T14:12:00.001-08:00

I ask you friend, what's a fella to do?...
'Cause her hair was black, and her eyes were blue...

I'm caught in what I call the "Grey T-shirt" phase. Being caught in the confusing pull between the white and the black.
The white being wanting to stay here with you forever
and the black being wanting to jump on a plane and be back to my normal life by tomorrow.

There's that ache in my chest when I think about leaving, but at the same time, I have the pangs of homesickness where I long for familiarity.
I don't exactly expect to be thinking straight right now, what with the jet lag, the food poisoning, the arguments... we had some arguments. Considering the circumstances I should have had a really shit couple of weeks, but I haven't.

I've had the time of my life.
and I know that right now I think I love the fucking bones of you, and that you're the only one for me. But by the time I'm back home... in the snow... with people I really, genuinely love, I'll not think of you quite so much.
I'll think about you, I'll never pretend to forget you, but I won't remember what I thought was worth all that...

I took her hand, and I gave her a twirl,
and I lost my heart to a Galway girl...

The Talentless Painter

2010-09-26T08:07:00.001-07:00

You're the paintings I paint when I'm ordered to do so,
frustration ensues when I discover the truth so
distressing and sad, the image I had
stays jammed in my head, no words to be said
or picture to paint, a nagging complaint.
You're the paste that flows from my brush to the canvas,
you fail to adapt to the pale abyss that surrounds us.
Paint swims across the paper, with no sense of direction,
such a hideous outcome must face violent rejection.
A talented artist would know where to go.
A talented lover wouldn't drown in woe.
I'm the hand grasping the paintbrush with weak control,
I'm supposed to know where to blend the white with the kohl?
This painting I've finished, could break a villain's heart.
I failed at love, as I'm failing at art.

An update, kind of.

2010-09-16T14:17:00.000-07:00

Word of the day: Aberrant.

Thought of the day: You. Just you.

Wake up, Get the bus, Work too hard, Don't work enough, Laugh occasionally, Get the bus, Come home, Too tired to sleep, Too sleepy to work, Too knackered to care.

and that's pretty much it.

I feel as though I've owned a million pens, but I've lost three million.

As though anyone cares... :D

2010-09-02T11:11:00.000-07:00

So I'm going to do that annoying blog thing where I answer random questions that I find on the internet as irritatingly frequently as possible.
Wow, that was not a grammatically correct sentence. I don't care.

Here goes..

Name 3 songs that are autobiographical for you at the moment:

1. Wake Me Up When September Ends - Green Day
2. Spitting Games - Snow Patrol
3. Jizz In My Pants - Lonely Island
LOL jk.
Bust seriously, probably Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus.

I fancy you a lot...

Just a thought...

2010-09-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

I wish I was rich and had a fast metabolism...
That way, I would never have to worry about the two things I probably think about the most:
Money, and calories.
Rich, thin people have it so damn easy.

I'm currently £30 in debt with no money whatsoever, I had to count a fistful of silvers just get a drink in Costa, and then I didn't have enough for the bus home.
I'm not usually this skint, I don't know where all my money's gone. I need to get in to a routine soon, I think I'll probably start that now. Like a timetable of how I'm going to fit in working, cooking and gym-ing in a day, I'm actually getting so sick of not having a timetable to work around. Plus, I could really do with a bed time.

Oh, and I really want a car, help me buy one? :) x

Spitting Games

2010-08-29T13:57:00.001-07:00

It hasn't been a very good day today...

These pictures are so fucking beautiful to me, regardless of the fact that I'm crying and really need to do my hair. These were taken during our conversation. They're special to me, and I'm proud of them. So on blogger they shall be.
This isn't a blog about how dreadful things are for me at the moment, far from it, this blog is actually meant to be about how lucky I am to have had someone like you in my life for four years.

I LOVE YOU. XXXX

AUGUST!

2010-08-02T10:36:00.000-07:00

It's August, Man!

AUGUST.

Summer? Probably not, this is England, after all.

WHAT TO SAY!!

A lot has happened in the life of Kizzy since May. Some I want to talk about, some I don't. Some not even worth documenting, which is sad, considering I document pretty much everything.

MY FRIEND C IS IN NORFOLK. For some badass festival, or something equally badass. I have high hopes for this Norfolk bollocks. This is one of those topics that we talk about until six in the morning, (Guilt bank for making my friend a fellow insomniac? = 0. Love will do that to you XD) I realise that my blogs are actually pretty hard to follow. Mainly because as much as I JUST LOVE putting all my thoughts on the internet, I also think my friends and loved ones deserve their own privacy.

But fuck it XD

C is entangled in a messy love state. It is ridiculously awesome. Some times. You see, it's nice for me to talk to her about it with, and vice versa, and empathy is just the core of our epic girly friendship.

BUT of course, it's also a devastating state to be in. Lucky for C, the boy in question is actually in her life. He is also attending this badass festival.

If she doesn't go for it. I will eat her face.

As for me, and how I feel? I'll have to get back to you on that one. I feel surprisingly liberated, everything I felt before was so restricting and trap-worthy, totally unexplainable, as evident by my ridiculous blogs.

How I feel/felt... there is a word for it. I decided a while ago not to use it, for two reasons. One being that not many people would take me seriously, I am quite aware, and I would like for my feelings not be confused with other fuckwits who enjoy dramatising their lives. The other being that it seems "That Word" is totally wasted on a bad experience in one's life, and I would much prefer for the first time I acknowledge such feelings, to be a better, happier experience. However...

Fuck it XD

Being in love, is the most terrifying heart wrenching state to be in. Nothing and no one prepares you for it, however ubiquitous the topic is. You will be blown away. Trust.

So, everything hurt, for a long, long time after I lost The Boy. There were things I couldn't do, couldn't think about, pretty much everything I wanted or deserved was put on hold while I focused on how I felt at this time.

Now, the things I couldn't do, couldn't think about, couldn't be. I'm doing, thinking about and being. And it's almost as easy as breath. I'm not going to say that I never think about it. Ever. that would be a total lie. I'm not going to say I'm over it, or it's behind me, that would also be a lie.

But. I can say that when I think about it, I feel not much more than a stab of nostalgia that I can quickly shrug off within moments, and I can say that instead of it being an obstacle that stops me from doing the things that i need to do, the obstacles have rearranged themselves in to positions that I can freely maneuver past, and get on with my every day shenanigans, of course, every now and then i bump in to them. But they can quickly be kicked out the way.

Point is that heaven and earth, life and death ain't got nothing on how I feel. He's still the only one that I wish I could marry some day.

But it's not a sad thing anymore. I'm moving... MOVED on.

I told myself at New Years that 2010 would be the year for me. It hasn't been. You can't tell yourself. Right, it's been one year now, I'm going to get over it.

It doesn't work that way, no matter how many ice cream sessions you have with your friends, or venting sessions you have with your mum. I had a lot. I had so many moments when I thought I would be okay from then on, but it still hurt, lot. It was more than missing him, it was an experience that ate away at me, and stayed with me for a heck of a long time. Insecurities and anxieties. Basically just the theory that everything I loved died, and everything I wanted could never be.

And I was sad for a long time, about things that I didn't even realise had anything to do with THAT. But I'm getting there. I am happy now. And I wish I had been for longer.

WOW

long blog. huh?

If you read all of that, you deserve one heck of a cuddle.

Procrastination

2010-07-26T09:09:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh!

I haven't drawn or painted or done anything art-worthy in sooooo long.
Every time I think about something I should be doing... I end up doing something completely futile.
I don't think watching episodes of How I Met Your Mother in the middle of the night is going to be beneficial... at all.
That's another point. You'd think that having this much time off would be an excellent chance to catch up on all the sleep I'd lost. Nope. I'm up all night, and then I'm naturally woken up at 9:00am every morning due to the heat from my south facing window.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, I'm actually having a great time :) I've seen people when I've got lonely, I've come home when I've got tired. I've earned money, I've spent money. I've still got plenty of time to get my work done...
For now, anyways.
BUT to be fair, all my footage is on the other laptop which broke... and can't be fixed until I buy another cable. And I can't do that until I've re-earned all the money that I plan on spending HA

Oh, and about my last blog. No worries :D

How long is too long?

2010-07-17T16:03:00.000-07:00

Is it silly to wonder why I haven't heard from him yet?
Okay, so maybe it's not silly to wonder, but is it silly to wonder this much?
I know it's only been a couple of days, and he explained that it wouldn't be easy to contact me just yet, but, I really, really like him...
I even broke down our conversations to one of my closest friends, (who likes him too, by the way) and he said that it all seemed fairly positive. He confirmed that I wasn't crazy. Those were good signals he was sending me, apparently.
So why haven't I heard from him yet???
Maybe I should just forget about it, that seems like the healthiest option. It's not like I can actually DO much about it anyways, even if I were to find a missed call on my new, (complicated) phone...
(nope, but it was worth checking)
Okay, so I know it's a little crazy, I just haven't felt this way in a while, it's symbolic. Means I'm moving on. Or something equally gay.
I was walking around town last night, it was dark, rainy, miserable and D was going on about how fed up he was with.... well, everything. And with everything he said, I was looking for ways to talk about my new.... news?
Thankfully, he managed to bring him up eventually. It was quite nice to hear that I'm not crazy, or presumptuous. But still.
Don't waste any more time contacting me, I'm quite proud of my mental health, don't ruin this for me.

The Angry Days of 2009 :)

2010-05-06T12:49:00.001-07:00

I just found an old note pad, that was meant to be used for studying... :D
I used it as a sort of diary every time I had a bad day. just a silly little blog, some of these are pretty funny to read since I don't feel quite so unhappy now :)

1.) If I keep using note books to write down my feelings every time he messes with my head, I'm going to have to make a habit of regularly planting trees.

2.) I believe in Ouspensky's theory. I don't have any evidence, or real reason, it's really just so that I can live my whole life, plus another 16 years and then think LET HIM KISS YOU FOR FUCK SAKE

3.) There is no reasonable excuse for his existence. Unless I get an A, then I think I can live with it.

4.) If someone were to find this note pad, they'd think all I do is bitch and complain. They'd be right.

5.) I like the American guy that says "Printing started" I like my birthday, I like when my friends text me for no reason. Funnily enough, I don't like it when you force me in to stuff I don't want to do, and then fuck off with someone prettier.

6.) I'm getting tired of working out your intentions. Why don't you just give me a call when you don't have an erection. Then, we can have a proper conversation.

7.) Well they can all go fuck themselves because I'm sick of justifying my being upset. Of course, I still love them, but I feel that I've cried enough this evening to be able to use "fuck" as often and as unnecessarily as I like

8.) It seems trivial, but it's made me feel so damn ugly, I know I've not been known for high self esteem, but now I just feel like all the elements of my face and body are hideously disfigured, and no make up or diet will fix it, the only thing that will is to melt my whole self in to a puddle and stay out in the sun until I evaporate in to nothingness. Or he could just stop being a prick.

9.) Reasons TO love him.
- He makes me laugh.
- He actually likes my face.
- He's kind.
- He's good looking.
- His smile
- His arse
- His eyes
- Fucking LOOK AT HIM
- He makes me happy

10.) Reasons NOT to love him
- His last name sounds silly next to mine

Deletion

2010-04-20T08:43:00.000-07:00

I deleted a hefty amount of old, whiny blogs.
Because lets face it, no one wants to read about that, but at the time, I so very much wanted to write about it, and now that things are running slightly smoother, there's no need for a constant reminder of all the times I've stressed and complained
Of course, things aren't running totally smoothly, that's life. I've only just learned that lesson. There are going to be very times in my life where everything is going perfectly, if any.

I hate life...

but anyways, here are some nuggets of information about my life recently:
1.) My amazingly healthy teeth are no longer as amazingly healthy as they have always been, (I blame the diet coke) So I drank only water for three days, got a monster headache, so I am now back on the diet coke, and I have never felt so damn good...
2.) I did next to no work for just over two weeks. I am now well in the shit :)
4.) During my workless fortnight, I saw Dear John with some buddies, and cried :D
5.) The e button on my laptop is squeaky
6.) Euan has yet to move out, you'd be surprised how little I know about this man's intentions, nevertheless, I will miss him a great deal.

So there you go, some things about my life that you probably wouldn't have known, and will have no benefit to you in the future.

Everything I did instead of what I should be doing

2010-04-11T12:43:00.000-07:00

I make blogs and then delete them.
For various different reasons.
They're too depressing, so I backspace it and then I get mad at myself because I'm not being honest.
and then I retype it with a more positive twist, then I get mad at myself because it's still not honest.
so I backspace it again, then I write it again, honestly.
Then I get even more mad at myself because it's exactly the same as the original blog, just reworded, and now I've wasted all that time on one blog.
I decide maybe that's not the write thing to blog about. So think of something else.
Then I remember that the subject of the original blog is the only thing on my mind.
So I write the first thing that came to my head.
Enjoy.

Water Has No Calories

2010-03-23T12:57:00.000-07:00

Laughing has no calories
Singing has no calories
Writing has no calories
Long showers have no calories
Music has no calories
Watching Moulin Rouge with the girls has no calories
Shopping has no calories
Being with the people I love has no calories

There is officially no excuse for my fatty-ness

I will get there.

2010-03-12T14:06:00.000-08:00

You're not going to beat me.

I will win. I will prove you wrong, and you'll have to congratulate me, and I hope your mouths fill with humiliation and regret with each smile and congratulatory word you give out of obligation. I am good enough, I am. I've told myself for long enough that I'm not, I've let all of you let me believe that I'm not, but I'll strive for what I want, and I will not allow myself to fail. I will get there, and my God, will I be proud when I get there.
I've lost sleep, given up all of my days to work at it, and all I've been told is "work harder" so I did, I'm working so fucking hard that forever isn't long enough. I don't care what it takes, I'll do it all, and I'll get there.
The one thing that's keeping me going is the look on your faces when you have to take back every word you said, every kick you got out of telling me I'll never do it, thinking I'm not good enough, not talented enough, not committed enough. ENOUGH.
I believed you for long enough, now it's my time to feel good about myself, feel proud of something, achieve something.
I hope it hurts like hell in your stomach when you see what I can do. When you realise I won't let you put me down anymore, I can do it. I can. I will.

God, I hope I can do it :/

I Like You Most.

2010-03-01T12:58:00.000-08:00

I do. I really do :)

there will be others that I like, and some that I really like. There may even be one waaay in the future that I'll love.
But I'll always like you most.
I'm on the meds again (doesn't that sound so badass? :p) and I can't remember the last time I've felt so optimistic. I'm even feeling good about school work, when really I should be shitting myself.
But, since taking the little beauties, I've been dreaming. I dreamt about you last night.
I don't know why. I'm not thinking about you, but I think that's mainly because I've been trying not to. You've had a lasting effect on me, boy, and you may not remember my name, but I'll never forget how your face felt against mine.
I've even regained my ability to develop feelings for other guys, and my beautiful little secret does indeed put a smile on my face every now and then. But I'll always like you most.
So if ever you get that feeling that the world doesn't care, just know that no matter what...
I'll always like you most.

Mission: Find Elliot

2010-02-23T12:30:00.001-08:00

He has all my free time.
He has many hours of my much needed sleep.
He has my textile product.
He has a lot of my money.
He has the Summer.
He has my dignity.
He has my inspiration.
He has my self respect.

... Oh, and he also has my iPod, I must track that boy down.

A hundred million giggles

2010-02-16T05:11:00.001-08:00

"I have a large amount of fun when I'm with him, and when I imagined him as a boyfriend type person... I kind of enjoyed it,"

That, was my friend's way of saying she liked someone xD
It's quite cute, she's not the sort to be quite so open about her feelings for other people, the fact that she has words such as "Phisnher" in her vocabulary should demonstrate this.

example: "Hey C, what do you think of this guy?" C's response = "(shrug) Phishnehr"
conversation - over.

Yesterday was much and much of fun. I enjoy Camden, I like it a lot better in the Summer, but it's still a lot of laughs when it's snowing on and off.
C got off the train in my town, we walked back to mine and talked about stuff that we don't normally talk about. I told her about my beautiful little secret, which was fun :) and she talked to me about hers.

We watched The Invention of Lying when we got back, and made hot chocolate, which resulted in plenty of laughs. We even talked to my mum for a bit when she got in and had laughs with her. We ended up giggling so much that we ended up sitting on the stairs for about twenty minutes before C ended up leaving.
We talked to my Dad, too, when he got in, which was nice. All in all a very successful day. Just one problem.
I still have this cold.

Next week...

2010-02-14T14:28:00.000-08:00

Is going to be successful, I hope (:

I've finally got some sleepy pills, so sleep should be achievable from now on (: No more lying in the bath at four in the morning :p
Going to Camden tomorrow with S and C, my mother gave me £20 because I've been feeling so crappy lately and deserve one good day (:
I'm feeling rather good about this beautiful little secret I have, mainly because it's a secret, and for my enjoyment only
Coursework should be at least nearly done by the end of the week = much less crying
This cold I have should be better in a few days (glass half full :p)
There are at least three songs that I absolutely adore at the moment, one good way of putting a smile on your face.

This week has been hell, thank God it's finally over. Optimism has resumed, things should start going well from now on. :)

I'd be the FIRST ONE to leave

2010-02-04T09:16:00.000-08:00

If I were a bird, that is. As soon as those evenings started getting dark at earlier times, I'd open my wings and fly for the South, for the heat, for no reason.
God, what gets me is that I do it every bloody year, and it always surprises me how uncomfortable it is. I can't count the amount of times I've said "I hate Winter" randomly when out with my friends.
I do, I really do. I know no one really looks forward to the bitter coldness of the mornings, where it hurts in that space below your chest, when you breathe. Or the puddles that soak the bottom of your trousers, resulting in the numbness in your feet.
Bottom line. English Winter is God's mistake.
I don't know about the rest of the population, but I can't deal with anything as soon as it gets the end of October, I spend the first two months of the new year, waiting for March, so the clocks can change back, and my optimism can reume.
Birds have the right idea. When it all gets too much to handle, avoid it. Fly South when the temperature dips below your comfort zone. Life's too short to waste so many weeks feeling miserable and uncomfortable. I promise you, if I were a bird, I'd be the very first one to leave.

Holy crap, I was in to you then! :)

2010-02-01T11:30:00.000-08:00

Thank you Mr revision buddy :)

Who kindly read through my French presentation with me. It was kind of you. It was also kind of you to spray my wrists with your after shave. I know you must have thought I was crazy, when I sat down next to you and said "My God! You wore that after shave when we were going out!" Thankfully you know me just well enough to know that I'm not a stalker, just have a good memory, it really was quite cool though.
I can still smell it on my wrists. If I close my eyes, and inhale long enough it seems exactly the same as it did three years ago, it's strange to think that I enjoyed your company so much, we barely talk now, I used to love getting texts from you, looked forward to seeing you every day. It makes me giggle thinking back, and how much things have changed. I was a stranger then to people I love now, and people I have loved but am strangers again to, not to mention the people I'm still strangers to, but may grow to love in the future.
Can't quite help wondering what's going to change in the next three years, hopefully not too much, I'm quite content to be totally honest, I would, however, like to get through these next two years with less stress and disasters, and maximum success, impossible, maybe, but one can hope.

Speaking of a hopefully auspicious beginning, I think I like someone new. Yes. I'm over you now, bring on the next rejection :)
Rejection is out of the question since I'm not willing to do anything about it, Lord help me if I'm diving in to that depression again. No. I'm just enjoying that happy butterfly feeling I get when you walk in to the room, for the moment. I know you don't feel the same. Pretty certain. But my oh my would it be great if you did :)

P.S: Like the colourful blog? :) Good way to cheer one's self up :p

wtf happened?

2010-01-17T05:33:00.000-08:00

I genuinely miss being your friend. Being the one that you'd cry on the phone to when you'd fall out with your Dad, when HE messed you about, when you freaked out about school work.
I'm sorry that we can't be like that again, I really wish we could, but neither of us are the same as we were when we were 13/14, I really don't like what you've done, and what you're doing.

I hate growing up.

Hanging out with you last night was such a laugh. Being in your house again was weird, talking with your Dad in the kitchen in a cloud of cigarette smoke gave me a pang in the chest. I didn't realise how much I'd missed this. I was too busy disowning you for what you did.

The only reason I was in your house in the first place is because of our old friend who is now back in England, and she's staying in the spare bed in your room. As well as the fact that the only other option would be to spend that Saturday night at home with my parents. God, I'm going to miss her when she goes back to Australia Monday morning.

When I hugged you before I left, and said "Thanks so much for tonight." I really meant it. Thanks so much for putting everything we've been through behind us for one night, and acting like nothing had changed for Hazel's benefit. I hugged you for as long as I did her, 'cause just because you're still living in the same town as me, our friendship leaves for the other side of the world with Hazel on Monday, and even though it really is for the best, doesn't mean I'm not going to miss it like crazy.

New Year :)

2010-01-01T23:36:00.000-08:00

I smiled a lot last night...

Mainly because it makes me smile when you've been dancing for quite some time... then you realise that you are a white girl and can't dance...
It also makes me smile when you have no idea who you are dancing with
and it makes me smile when you've taken off your shoes and every other accessory that made you fit the theme, so now you're just wearing a hideous dress and string of pearls.
but it makes me smile when the vodka and cokes I hadn't even asked for make all those things not matter :) Yaaay

My God, I had a really good time :) we turned up at the pub at 9:00 which as way too early tbh we spent aaaages shuffling around awkwardly, but it all ended rather swell because we all had a good time :)

G's boyfriend is alright, even if he is probably the most awkward person in the entire world, he had people come up to him asking where he saw himself in ten years and such, twas hilarious :) it didn't help matters that he doesn't drink, he went home about three hours before us, we started having a laugh when he left :D

Yes, it was good :) we stayed at G's house and when we woke up in the morning, we were all so tired and lazy that we didn't really get up... at all. Her boyfriend left about 1:00pm, and when it was just me, G and C we layed under duvets and blankets and such, switching from sofa to sofa watching different films on her Sky Planner, we ordered our food from Dominoes because we were that tired and lazy. We were so tired and lazy, that we didn't bother to go home until about 8:30pm.

FINALLY 2009 is over. I hated that year, since February, everything has gone wrong, I'll admit nothing dreadful has happened, but nothing good has happened either, only disappointments have taken place, so I'm hoping that this year will be better :)
I've decided it's going to be an amazing year, because at the moment, I can decide how my year is going to go. I've decided it's going to go like this:

Don't have any social life Mon - Thur so that I can pass my exams and be proud of myself
Find a decent job and get decent amounts of money.
Loose a heck of a lot of weight pleaaase :)
Either get over HIM or get under him (only kidding :p but you know what I mean)
Laugh more and have a good, good time :)

I'm dreading Monday :( I really need to finish this Textiles or I am in the shiiiiit, and that would be a totally bad way to start the year. :p

Thank Mr. Royal Mail man.

2009-12-30T07:11:00.001-08:00

Thanks,

For your concern when I slipped, and landed on my knee when I was crossing the road for Waitrose this morning. Damn ice.
You cycled past on your red bike, "Y'alriiight?" you asked, with a genuine question mark on your face. So thanks, now I feel like a total twat.
It didn't make the situation any better that I was walking back from getting my eyebrows threaded, so the skin around my eyebrows was probably alarmingly red, and I had a handful of pound coins and 20ps because the silly woman at the salon didn't have appropriate change for my £20, and I didn't have a bag on me :/
I nearly died about 6000 times getting to the shops, my silly boots are stupidly smooth, and the pavements are waaay too narrow, not to mention still covered in ice. The weather was just awesome too, spitting rain.

I hate Winter.

The only good thing about it is Christmas, which officially ended today, as all the decorations were taken down and put away for another 12 months. Yay. So the house is totally un-Christmassy, and my parents are unbelievably stressed because they're going to Norfolk tomorrow for New Years to see some old friends, while I'm going to this party where I have to dress like a flapper. So I'm going to look like a total willy, which should be fun :)

I was hoping that HE and I may be back together by new year, but I guess that's not happening. It looked like it might be possible at one point too.
But no. :/

Diet Coke.

2009-12-30T06:47:00.000-08:00

I could drink it forever.

Everyone asks why I don't drink regular, I don't know how they haven't realised that it doesn't even quench a thirst. You'd have to drink glasses and glasses of it before you were satisfied. By the end of it, you've consumed hundreds of calories just keeping yourself hydrated.
Nah, diet coke is a deffinate winner.
I would even pay the £1.30 to drink a 250ml bottle of it in Costa, when I could get it for 80p in Tescos, just up the road. But when everyone else is buying their coffees, I'd rather be having a diet coke at the same table, having a giggle :)
I take my own bottle to social events, because everyone seems to think regular is better.
Diet coke has been there my whole life, with every take away my family ordered, a bottle of diet coke sat proudly on the table in front, ready to tackle any thirst from the junk food.
The only time it's ever let me down is when I don't screw the cap on properly... which is entirely my own fault anyway.
I may make it one of my new years resolutions to drink at least a whole 2 litre bottle a day, and see how much weight I loose. I'll bet it will work too, never tried it, but as long as I have a mug, glass, bowl, whatever of diet coke, who needs food? :) It fills you up loads too, and leaves a tingle in your throat, and a smile on your face :)

I could drink it forever.

Goodbye '09

2009-12-29T19:37:00.000-08:00

The breeze that numbed my face.
The words I hoped were true.
The month I smiled consistently.
The snow that never thawed.
The lyrics that lulled me to sleep.
The girl I wished were me.
The night I didn't sleep.
The dream that I had reached.
The prayers that were listened to.
The dignity I gave away.
The texts that opened my eyes.
The temple that ached from tears
The teacher that I lost.
The disappointment I endured.
The absence I couldn't bare.
The friends I had to loose.
The friends I was able to make.
The words that I had written.
The people who let me down.
The moment it all came back.
The snow I prayed wouldnt fall this year.
The snow that eventually fell.
The year that finally ended